kitchen massacre

November 19, 2011
ramblings
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I am clumsy. I realize this now more than ever. My lackadaisical way of going about things has me collecting new burns, nicks, blisters and gashes every week.

I don’t remember how I got this nasty burn. I’ve been told that there are less nerve endings on the back of the hand, which decreases our perception of pain in this area. I think I was just too frenzied to notice.

This is my most recent masterpiece. I sliced off a chunk of fingernail and bit of finger. I like to imagine this little piece of me in a compost pile somewhere, but it’s most likely rotting in a landfill.

Do you have any injuries acquired in the kitchen that you’d like to share? Pictures are encouraged. Let’s compare scars and trade war stories–ya know, like they do in the movies.

mother knows best

November 16, 2011
sweet thang
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My mom years ago told me when she was younger she loved dipping potato chips in ice cream. The combination sounded like something a crazy pregnant woman would crave. But then I thought about the harmonious relationship between a milkshake and French fries, the way they work symbiotically to produce something greater than the sum of its parts.

This weekend I gave in, and regretfully allowed a witness to such gluttony. Next time I’ll do this in secrecy, in nothing but a pair of forgiving grandma panties.

So what I’m saying is, Mom was right. Again.

fried rice fit for a man…

November 15, 2011
somethin' on the side, the main event
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…but made for a woman.

My someone special had to work this Saturday morning, so I had free reign over his entire apartment. Of course, my stomach immediately directed me to the kitchen. I was told that “believe it or not, there is food” but that I may have to “look for it”. This was the most truth I had heard all week.

There was a packet of Knorr Rice Sides in the cabinet, something that could move on to bigger and better things. There were also frozen mixed veggies, which, alone, are lifeless but tolerable when disguised among other ingredients. There were also eggs that were well past their expiration date, a reality I so conveniently ignored.

These three sad items were salvation from my late-morning brunch craving.

Prepare the rice according to the package’s directions. (You could always use leftover rice, but you’ll have to add seasoning, and, quite frankly, this post can’t help you with that.) Transfer to a hot pan with canola oil and fry the rice until crispy and dark golden brown throughout. Dump in thawed frozen veggies and stir to heat through. Pour in a beaten egg or two and stir until just cooked, about one minute.

You shouldn’t have to do much more than that, since the rice contains a hell of a lot of sodium and other junk to make it taste like “chicken” (or cheddar and broccoli or beef or mushroom…). Perhaps a slosh of hot sauce would finish this off quite nicely.

I wolfed down more than I’d care to admit, and welcomed my S.S. with the remains. His response? “Is there any more?”

No, sorry.

french onion dip

November 13, 2011
somethin' on the side, the underwear diet
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A birthday celebration with my best friends from high school usually involves a high level of ethanol and specific foods fit for eating after a night of dancing and drinking. These foods are generally rich in saturated fats that plagues you with great guilt the next day.

Keeping this in mind, I made one of my best friends’ favorites to satisfy our cravings and alleviate some of the morning-after shame: French onion dip. This recipe replaces the sour cream with non-fat plain Greek yogurt, retaining creaminess and cutting much of the fat.

Caramelize sliced onions in oil and season with S & P. During the last minute of cooking, add minced garlic. Remove from the pan and cool. Once the onions have come to room temperature, combine with mayonnaise, yogurt and chopped fresh parsley. Season with lemon juice and S & P, to taste.

Refrigerate for at least two hours or overnight. This dip gets better with time, and you’d never notice that it contains half the fat of traditional French onion dip.

So whether or not you eat these in your underwear, your booty will thank you in the morning.